#tw implied suicidal tendencies

[whump-queen]

begging someone to hold a gun to my head so my brain will finally make me do my dishes, laundry, vacuuming, job applications, emails, messages,, just to get anything done at all without constantly wanting to die

[lvminisciel]

You are a god, and i am your scales.

not even close to a compliance, 

i am but mere scales, flocked around

bits of me will soon fall into the abyss

as you soared with your grace

amidst grayish hue

dutifully, every single being within me

shall worship you with no argue, unquestioning, unyielding.

not even close to an envoy, 

i live on day by day

believing that i am covering you, safeguarding, protecting—

even when Your might is greater than all of us combined 

i am but a mere mortal devoting my insignificant existence to you, 

an omnipotent immortal who shall rule this bountiful land 

dutifully i tread my path

whatever appeal you shall i serve

i am more than grateful to be alive within your grasp

please do use me to your heart's desire

a being dedicated to you and only you

if it is death you adore,

my carcass shall be handed to you on a silver platter

if it is life you crave,

then i shall travel between realms

even if it meant trapping my soul in the process

if it is love you yearn

then i repent, my Lord,

for i have none to give

nor do a temporal frame such as i

deserving of such decorum 

please forgive my incompetence, your Highness

you may have my skull in exchange, if you wish

[circusofshrimps]

and if i break, could i go on break?

+ a closeup !!! of he

[whumpshots]

Febuwhump #4

trope of the day: knife to the throat

_

"Easy there. Don't do anything you might regret later," whumper says while coming closer. Whumpee looks panicked but... determined.

"Regret? You talking about regret? Don't come closer, you want me alive don't you?" The kid is right and whumper raises their hands defensively before taking a step back. They know how valuable they are, but threatening to slit their own throat... whumper never thought the kid wouldn't value their life to that extent.

"Do you really want to die, whumpee? I can offer you freedom from those people who experiment on you. I can offer you a decent life-"

"While experimenting on me yourself? No, I think the fuck not. I want to die, I can't do this anymore. Fuck off. Just leave me alone."

Whumper knows about some of the scars on whumpee, always assuming they all came from the experiments. Apparently not all of them. Which makes whumper even more angry.

"Let's destroy them together. The people who did this to you, cut you open... Let's destroy them. I won't do you harm, I want to harm them," whumper says, meaning every word they utter, seeing the hand around the knife shake a little. That's why they wanted to get the kid in the first place - hurt those behind the experiments.

Whumper has no problem making it a personal thing.

[whodidibecome]

Having a hard time sticking around tonight. I could just end it all right now. . . .

[sadautis96]

TW SUI MENTION

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The meds don't work

No psychologist to go too

Psychiatrist isn't once a week

Im fucked

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Sunday came and mammy gone mad ,she don't wanna hear my shit no more. Maybe i should just keep it all to myself huh ? (bad idea but whatever)

.

Me talking abt my shit will probably bring others down (which is def not my intentions !) and ik from experience all too well..

.

I don't wanna work when im like this (i feel like an attention whore saying all this

[alittlehurtwithyourcomfort]

The Uncanny Counter: Counter Punch Whumplist

(GIF credit to @leedongwook)

Character: So Mun (played by Cho Byeong-kyu)

Age Rating: TV-MA

Show available on Netflix

Genre: Action, Superpower/Superhero, Supernatural, Found Family, Ensemble, Fantasy

(The styling of this whumplist is inspired by @love-me-a-lotta-whump​ who has an amazing blog, go check them out! They also have a list for season 1!)

Synopsis: Demon hunters pose as workers in a noodle shop in an effort to catch evil spirits hoping to find eternal life. (via Google)

Note: SO. MUCH. WHUMP! This is a list for just season two of the show! The found family dynamics are really what make this show so fun, as well as the unique superpower system. Also, the main character, So Mun, is a sweetheart and I love him so much.

TW’s (for overall show): frequent blood, mild gore, mild body horror, suicide, violence towards children, child death, child abuse, bullying, bullying of a disabled character, domestic violence, self-harm, violence towards women, mental illness, implied dementia, PTSD

List Key:

bold = most whump, best whump, or favorite whump scenes

~~ = scene break

THIS LIST CONTAINS MAJOR SPOILERS FOR THE SERIES!

-----------------------------------------

2x01: asleep ~~ upset ~~ fought, threatened with a knife, concerned

2x02: extremely worried, watches someone die, teary-eyed ~~ shaky voice, teary-eyed, at a funeral ~~ sad ~~ sparred, hair pulled (comedic) ~~ fought ~~ concerned for his friend ~~ angry, losing control of his powers ~~ shocked, scared

2x03: *emetophobia warning ⚠️ skip from 42:00 to 46:12* (scene cont. from end of previous episode) shocked, scared, angry, straining powers, shaking, heavy breathing, concern for him, half-collapsed, crying out in pain, nose bleed, sweating, weak, helped to stand ~~ upset ~~ talking about his parents death, shaky voice, teary-eyed, crying ~~ sore, groaning, bruised knuckles, concern for him ~~ hair pulled (comedic) ~~ sparred sweating, knocked into the air (comedic), dazed, strained voice ~~ sad ~~ fought

2x04: (scene cont. from end of previous episode) fought ~~ rough fight, bloody face, sweating, heavy breathing, angry, yelling, cut face, slammed against the wall by telekinesis, screaming in pain ~~ groaning in pain, shaking, screaming, telekinetically strangled, bruised neck, heavy breathing, stumbling, losing control, struggling to stay upright, strained voice, shocked, shot in the arm and shoulder, groaning in pain, concern for him, cradled ~~ bruised face, talking about his self-sacrificial tendencies ~~ brief fight ~~ shocked

2x05: shocked ~~ restrained, stressed, shouting, panting, sad ~~ teary-eyed ~~ concern for him, anxious ~~ inhaling gas, stumbling, half-collapsed, heavy breathing, concern for him, sweating, strained voice, swaying ~~ shocked

2x06: shocked, teary-eyed, scared, fought, pinned to a wall by telekinesis, heavy breathing, screaming, worried ~~ teary-eyed ~~ worried ~~ scared, concerned ~~ teary-eyed, slammed into a wall, strained voice, scared, crying, struggling to stand, angry, yelling, straining his powers, extremely worried

2x07: (scene cont. from previous episode), fought, thrown, grunting, stumbling, heavy breathing, restrained by telekinesis, choked, punched repeatedly, bruised/bloody face, crying ~~ fought, restrained by telekinesis, thrown, in pain, bloody mouth ~~ strained voice, stumbling ~~ cradling his friend, teary-eyed ~~ concerned, teary-eyed ~~ concerned

2x08: worried ~~ numb, hit, sad, crying ~~ sparred, punched in the face, groaning ~~ scared, rough fight, slammed into a mirror, cut face, angry ~~ thrown, groaning, shocked, slammed into a wall, choked, thrown, groaning, struggling to stand ~~ choked, screaming, struggling, scared, memory erased/powers taken away, going limp, collapsing, eyes rolling back, crying, "stay with me", concern for him, unconscious, in a coma

2x09: (scene cont. from previous episode) concern for him, protected, carried, unconscious, choked while unconscious ~~ still unconscious, attempted healing ~~ concern for him, bedside vigil ~~ (in mind/spirit world?) depressed, scared ~~ (in mind/spirit world) scared, held by the hair, crying, reliving traumatic events, crying, hugged, emotional conversation ~~ waking up, tired, emotional reunion

2x10: (flashback: teary-eyed, emotional) ~~ concern for him, shocked ~~ worried ~~ rough fight, straining powers, choked, almost stabbed, worried, shocked, heavy breathing, teary-eyed ~~ frustrated ~~ sad ~~ upset ~~ teary-eyed, crying

2x11: (*emetophobia warning: skip from 42:30-44:08*) scared, stressed ~~ shocked, yelling ~~ (in mind-scape) fought, strangled, almost drowned ~~ (in real life) unconscious, held, struggling to breathe, concern for him ~~ (in mind-scape) choked ~~ (in real life) jolting awake, heavy breathing, concern for him ~~ argued, teary-eyes, punched in the face, shocked, bloody lip, crying, sobbing, screaming, concern for him ~~ crying ~~ very rough fight, groaning, sacrificing himself, concern for him, choked, losing consciousness, coughing, weak, helped to stand

2x12: bloody/bruised face, thrown, groaning, struggling to stand, yelling, rough fight, straining his powers ~~ (in mind-scape) heavy breathing, fought, choked ~~ (in real world) unconscious, struggling to breathe, ~~ (in mind-scape) beaten, groaning, choked ~~ (in real world) choked, unconscious ~~ (in mind-scape) straining his powers, crying ~~ (in real world) unconscious ~~ (in mind-scape) crying, emotional goodbye ~~ (in real world), slowly waking up, worried, crying ~~ emotional goodbye

[jungkookslipring]

I Will Never Make You Lonely: CH 3

Summary: When your life is falling apart, your 8 best friends are there to lift you up

TW: mentions of de&th, su!c!de, su!c!de tendencies, su!c!dal ideologies, depress!on, anxiety, crying. If this is in any way triggering I’d steer towards more of my happier works. 

If you or someone you love has thought of or acted on suicide, there is help and there is hope 

Call or text 988

Genre: angst, hurt/comfort, non-idol AU

PSA: this is no way represents the artists. While their birth names are used in this story, this is in no way a reflection of the artist or artists in real life.

AU: mentions of de&th are implied in this chapter, read at your own risk.

Ch 3

A few days later, you were in your room, double-checking to make sure you hadn't forgotten anything important. Minho, Hyunjin, Felix, Seungmin, and Jeongin came in early to bid you farewell and wished you a safe journey. They were sad that they couldn't accompany you as their schedules didn't permit them. Although you weren't going to be away for long, you were eagerly looking forward to your flight back to Seoul. As you packed your last-minute items such as your toothbrush, contact lenses, medication, etc., there was a soft knock at your door.

“Come in,” you answered. Changbin and Han peeked their heads in as the door slowly opened. They didn't have classes till later.

“Hey,” they greeted you with smiles.

“Hi,” you said. 

“You all packed up?” Han asked. You nodded.

“Yeah, just packed up the last-minute stuff,” you said pointing to your toiletry bag that sat on top of your backpack. Changbin stepped forward.

“Well before you go, I didn’t want you to leave without this,” he said as he pulled out a squishmallow he had behind his back. It was a large taro boba squishmallow. 

“What’s this?” you ask as you stare at it with adoration.

“We know you were talking about getting yourself one. We were going to give it to you on your birthday but decided maybe you needed it more now,” he said with a smile. You slowly accepted the squishmallow and you held it close. 

“You guys are amazing, thank you,” you say sincerely, pulling them both into a hug. They would truly do anything to help you feel better. When it was time to leave, you saw Chris walking out of his room with his favorite sweatshirt in hand, ready to give it to you. You folded it and put it in your backpack along with the squishmallow. The boys hugged you goodbye and you left. The ride to the airport was terrible and the flight was worse. While the flight itself was smooth as can be, you couldn't sleep for the 12-hour flight, despite trying everything from listening to music, podcasts, and the ASMR links that Felix sent you, but Chris's sweatshirt and squishmallow provided some comfort. You curled up with them, feeling the scent of Chris's cologne. When you landed at SEATAC, you messaged Peyton and the boys to let them know you made it back.

It's The Spamming For Me

Me: Just landed in SEATAC

They all must’ve had their phones surgically glued to their hands because they all responded immediately.

Father of 7: glad you made it safely!

Cowife: eat and sleep well y/n!

Twin: miss you already!

Disney Prince: sleep well y/n, see you soon

BBG: sending you so many hugs

Angel Baby: you’re already missed!

Minnie Mouse: THE APARTMENT IS CHAOS COME BACK NOW

It's just a Little Guy: we love you y/n

You giggled at their messages as you quickly responded. 

Me: I love you all too xoxo

After retrieving your bag, you headed towards the sky bridge that connects to the parking garage. Peyton was already there, waiting for you. Seeing only Peyton pick you up instead of her and Carter made your heart hurt, but you sucked it up and walked quickly over to Peyton. As soon as you were in each other’s arms, you could hear her sniffles, but you stayed strong for her. Peyton was Carter's only legal guardian, so you had to be there for her.

“How was your flight?” she sniffed as she helped you with your backpack. You shrugged.

“Fine, I guess…I didn’t exactly sleep,” you said scratching your neck. As you both walked towards the parking garage, she threw an arm around you. She then threw your backpack into the backseat before starting the engine. The drive to Peyton's place was quiet and uneventful. Once you arrived, you tossed your belongings onto the bed in the spare bedroom. While you were unpacking, Peyton walked in with two glasses in one hand and a bottle of wine in the other.

“It probably isn’t ideal, but Carter would’ve done it for either of us,” she said with a slight smile. You snorted because yes, Carter would’ve 110% gotten plastered the night before either of their funerals. The two of you made your way to the balcony and plopped yourselves down on the couch. Even though you felt like crap, there was a gentle breeze and at least the stars were out, and the skyline was gorgeous.

“How have you been?” Peyton asked. You shrugged.

“It’s been a rollercoaster for sure,” you said, swirling your glass. Peyton nodded.

“But how about you?” you ask. You had no right to be feeling the way Peyton felt. That’s what you told yourself at least.

“I can’t bring myself to even sit in the living room sometimes,” she says looking down at her glass. You nodded; Carter used to always sleep on the couch when she’d stay the night, claiming it was comfier than Peyton’s bed. 

“I’m sure the guys have been there for you?” Peyton asked before sipping her wine. You smiled. 

“Yeah, they’ve been nothing but amazing. One night I had been up for almost 72 hours cause I couldn’t sleep and I was studying, but the guys got me to participate in our weekly Friday night movie marathon night, and I ended up getting a decent amount of sleep.” Peyton smiled at that. 

“It’s nice having friends like that,” she said genuinely; she was a little concerned though. She could sense you were distracting yourself more than just feeling the emotions. The thought of your boys made your heart sing.

“They’re the best…,” you said before taking a swig of your wine as Peyton watched.

“Damn down the hatch,” she says with a wet chuckle. 

You spent the rest of the night with your friend, sharing your favorite memories of Carter. It was a way to remember her, especially the stories you wouldn't dare tell at the funeral. The day of the funeral came around too quickly. You woke up feeling heavy-hearted, wrapped in Chris's hoodie, holding a plush toy close to your chest. It took all your strength to get out of bed and ready for the funeral. You couldn't believe you were preparing to say goodbye to your best friend.

You tried to remain composed for the sake of Carter's family. The funeral went by in a blur, and you were grateful there was no open casket. It helped you stay strong for everyone, but you couldn't help denying the fact that Carter was in that casket, about to be buried six feet under. You tried to push the thought out of your mind, but it kept coming back.

You let your friends know you needed to study at your apartment for a few days, but you'd be back soon. They understood and said you were always welcome to come back. When it was time for you to leave, you said goodbye to Peyton and sent a text to your friends to let them know you were heading home. You knew you couldn't stay in the States any longer without it feeling too real.

It's The Spamming For Me

Me: I’m heading home

Father of 7: have a safe flight y/n!

Twin: see you soon!

Disney Prince: xoxoxo!

BBG: Minho and I wish you safe travels!

Angel Baby: YAY! Get back safely, I need my cuddle buddy!

Minnie Mouse: Have a safe flight! Jeongin says hurry back and save him from Minho

The second you stepped foot in your place, it didn’t feel right. You pulled out your phone and dialed the first name in your contacts list.  

While he was in the shower, Chris’s phone started ringing.

“Hannie, can you grab that for me please?” Chris called out. Han grabbed the phone and checked who it was before answering. 

“Chris’s phone, his favorite child speaking,” Han joked, pretty proud of himself. 

“Yah!” Chris scolded but with a big smile plastered on his face. You snorted.

“Felix?” You said biting your lip trying not to laugh. Han’s eyes went huge. 

“YAH!” He yelled even louder. Chris laughed as he did his best not to get water in his eyes from leaning so far back. You shook your head.

“Can I come over? I was going to study at my place but I need a change of scenery,” you say playing with your shirt.

“You don’t have to ask y/n, you're always welcome,” Han said sincerely. You smiled at that.

“Okay, I’ll see you guys soon then!” You said enthusiastically. 

“See you soon!” He said before hanging up. He set the phone down and looked at Chris. 

“Y/n is coming over so get unnaked,” he said jokingly before going to open the door. Chris laughed.

“She lives 10 min from us. I think I have time!” Chris shouted back with a big smile on his face. You kept your composure when you walked in, despite the lump in your throat upon opening their door. All of the boys greeted and chatted with you briefly before you retreated to your room. Instead of unpacking and relaxing, you decided to work on your computer. Despite not getting any sleep on the flight, you felt that you should be productive. It was around 9 pm, and although you were exhausted, you didn't want to think about the funeral. While reading case studies, you came across one that deeply affected you. It made your heartache. This particular case study caused one of the subjects to take their own life because of the trauma they went through. Once you were about to finish writing a sentence, you got a call from Carter’s sister. 

“Hey Peyton,” you say as you continue typing. You heard sniffling on the other line.

“Pey? Shit did I forget to let you know I made it back??” You ask. You heard her take a shaky exhale before speaking. 

“No no, you did…um…I don’t know how to say this so I’m just going to say it. Y/n…Carter’s death wasn’t an accident,” she choked out. Your eyes went huge.

“What do you mean?” You ask frantically. You were hoping with every fiber of your being it wasn’t what you thought it was.

“I was sitting in her room and I…I found a letter…” and your heart stopped.

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taglist: @felixmainacc @felixburneracc @myforevermelody143 @dunno-wut-to-do @itzsana-kiddingmenow

[hcneygemini]

𝖝. 𝖆. 𝖓. 𝖆. — the sex was good until it wasn't sentence starters.

A collection of sentence starters from the album The Sex Was Good Until It Wasn't. Not including songs previously released as singles ( they are on this meme ) I also have chosen not to include 15, Lavender Daughter, or BODY due to the heavy and deeply personal subject matter. Please do not add to or claim this meme as your own. Feel free to change pronouns, slightly rephrase, combine, or shorten as needed. Some lyrics have been changed to better fit rp purposes. tw: toxic relationships, brief suicidal ideation, religious stuff ( mostly blasphemous lmao ), some violence mentions, & implied cheating.

LIP SERVICE

you can't hurt me any more than you have already.

it's taken everything in me not to be petty.

what once was easy is now feeling pretty heavy.

waiting is romance until [ they ] are never ready.

i get next to you and i still get nervous.

my stomach dropped when you said "i don't deserve this."

i don't deserve this.

"it's just not like you," is what i tell myself, but how could i know that?

i guess it's true love 'cause you always come right back.

a liability is what you lack.

i don't wanna know that.

you talk of timing, like our planets just aren't aligning.

you talk of timing, as if we don't have any say in deciding.

you talk of timing, as if my tongue is the only one i'm biting.

you talk of timing, as if i don't have all your confessions down in writing.

yeah, it's the timing.

i can't let you lie to me.

i don't know who you're trying to be.

i didn't wanna up and leave.

i knew you wouldn't stay with me.

i think about you all the time.

we thought it would, but it never died.

my guilt is who i sleep beside.

i wonder if you're warm tonight.

we tried to control all the damage.

you couldn't let go.

i couldn't handle all the doubt in my mind.

all that's left is the hurt where you're hollow.

i wish you'd have saved yourself, 'cause i now i gotta save me.

now i gotta save me.

is there a world where we can make this better?

will i question your intentions forever?

[ Phoebe ] said that it's for the better.

i do what i can to make it last.

i'm scared of how i feel when you talk like that.

can we talk like that?

can we talk?

i would do it all again.

maybe we can try whenever you are able.

i'm not waiting, i'm just sitting at the table.

THE SEX WAS GOOD !

we're star-crossed lovers, but i wanna puke whenever you say it.

you're a little older now.

that's just the hard truth.

you're rocking with the big boys.

you scream your lungs dry.

i'm a sucker for white noise.

where am i tonight?

i guess you'll never know.

you probably won't sleep right.

now i can't think of you, it ruins my whole mood.

i only painted you red out of kindness.

you blame it on your childhood.

i should have left, but how could i?

i guess the sex was good until it wasn't.

i bet it cuts right to the bone.

you wanted a wife and a kid and a life you could control.

i've got unsaved numbers in my phone.

i've got a god-awful tendency to love being alone.

break all my shit!

incite a riot!

go play the victim, babe, i hope they buy it.

dry your alligator tears.

you can't leave 'em here.

you wanted love songs—beggars can't be choosers, dear.

i'm stone cold.

it's fucking tragic.

i never loved you.

i find myself looking back a bit more than i should.

it wasn't all bad, but it wasn't that good.

SICK JOKE

write it in gold.

the ending gets old.

they say you learn to know when it's time to go.

these days i'm talking to myself.

i know what to say now.

is everything i feel temporary?

i'm learning more about myself and it's scary.

won't you let me live right here in the memory?

love me plenty.

take this gently.

leave me empty.

leave me whole.

call it what it is: it's a sick, sick joke.

nobody's laughing now.

i wanna learn to love you, i just don't know how.

i swear i'm really trying, but i'm all worn out.

all that happened hurt me more than i care to talk about.

nothing ever changes, and i'm sick of this town.

will i find it in me to find a way out?

i think i might feel better once i let you down.

we never touched in that midnight glow.

every part of me you begged to know.

i look into your eyes and i see my own.

it's almost like you always knew me—what a horrifying feeling.

you were horrifying.

i only miss it a little.

i don't wish you very well.

you only loved me in riddles.

you still loved me, i could tell.

now you call it a fever dream.

you're only kidding yourself.

i wanna learn to trust you, i just don't know how.

you're no longer a contact.

i'm good on my own, but you already know that.

you swore to be true.

you failed in the moment.

they say it takes two, but i blame you.

i don't know what it means.

someday i'll find the meaning.

the wound still stings.

i kinda like the bleeding.

where'd you go?

you oughta stay there.

i had to block you on the internet 'cause i still care.

it keeps me up at night like a bad, bad dream.

what if i never find someone who's just like me?

our stars never aligned.

we did a bad thing.

i hold on to the grudges.

i wish you held me.

i have an incessant need for a love so all-consuming that it ruins me.

you promised it was real.

i guess you misspoke.

i wanna be merciful, i just don't know how.

it goes against my nature to believe you're bad.

why'd you have to go and lie to me like that?

there always come a point where you have to have your own back.

now's as good a time as ever to learn that.

i'm thankful that i never gave you all of me.

now i get to walk away with everything.

if i linger in your memory, eradicate me!

i never saw you coming, but i felt you leave.

i did my best.

i hope you never find the guts to make amends.

i'm crying to my friends.

i'm plotting my revenge.

all i really wanna know is why would you pretend?

FERAL

i served my head on a platter.

i wish i were dead by now.

what does it matter?

make your amends.

prepare for the slaughter.

the rumors are true.

you're callous and cruel.

that [ woman ] is feral.

they said, "be careful, that [ woman ] is the devil.

even god herself as never known such evil.

i see [ her ] when the lights go low.

i feel [ her ] when i'm on my own.

i do my best work under pressure.

you fight for your life.

for me, it's just pleasure.

blood on my lips looks so much better.

witness my final ascension.

i command your undivided attention.

i'm teaching a lesson.

god is a woman and she likes other women.

does it keep you up at night?

was there something in the light that looks like me?

was it worse than you thought?

are you praying to a god you don't believe?

there's a shadow in your bed.

[ she ] won't leave.

i kinda wish i killed you sooner.

pray to your great empty heaven.

THE KICKER

it's snowing for the second time this winter.

i'm glad i didn't, but i wish i'd kissed [ her ]

i've been contemplating resolutions.

i blocked the user, but [ she ] made a new one.

i'm at a loss.

maybe i'm sick and need an obsession.

maybe it's love and the timing's up to heaven.

if it's as real as it feels, wouldn't you be here still?

ain't that the kicker.

there's a ghost in these walls.

[ she ] says nothing at all.

there ain't a single day i don't feel [ her ].

you're a lesson learned.

i'm one you get to work through.

how dare you say this ain't easy for you.

you get to fall asleep in bed with a [ girl ] who chose you.

i hate that i still wonder if it's what you wanted.

you said you're all mine.

it left me haunted.

if i go crazy, put your name down on the paper.

cause of death: a fucking serial dater.

maybe i'm mixing up all the signs.

you're really not a bad guy.

you could be the one if i just let this one slide.

baby, you're lucky that i'm such a forgiver.

you chose her too.

don't tell me you love me if you don't mean it like that.

you don't mean it like that.

don't tell me you're coming back, you don't mean it like that.

why'd the lord make me such a forgiver?

EARTH EYES

you're got earth in your eyes.

i can hardly survive how you touch me at night.

will you touch me tonight?

will you touch me?

you're all mine.

you kissed and you cursed me.

i spent 7 years trying to prove i was worthy.

i waited for worship.

i waited for madness.

i sat on your doorstep.

i loved without reason.

you loved me in secret.

now that i'm older, i no longer mind it.

it wasn't one-sided.

you tried to hide it.

you wound pretty lies 'til we crashed and collided.

i finally found you.

ALIBI

i don't love [ her ], but i think about [ her ] all the time.

i wonder what on earth [ she ] tastes like.

i've got a hundred reasons why i need an alibi.

i think it's funny.

i can never get [ her ] all alone.

it's all we know.

i haven't been this close to heaven since they shut me out.

i still had blood on my clothes.

[ she ] washed it out.

i know nothing in this world can save me now.

no, i don't love [ her ]

[ she's ] just somehow all i think about.

ain't it funny?

for you, i think i could have been someone.

i hope you know when it's your time to go, it'd be an honor just to offer up a hand to hold.

if i have to wait until our decaying state to be that close to you, darling, it's all i'll do.

i'll be yours forever, if forever will have me.

i'll be yours forever.

4EVER

it's already been 6 months.

i kinda hate how the time just goes and goes.

it feel strange to think about how i used to be somebody you didn't know.

you're the first i always call.

i share my clothes and fears with you.

we know it's something special.

we know we're gonna miss it when we get a little older.

i'm crying on your shoulder.

i think i fell in love, but it feels a little better.

i could stay right here in this house with you forever.

some things are meant to be.

some things are accidental.

you make me believe the world could be gentle.

every minute here i get more sentimental.

you cry in my arms.

i put on the kettle.

we do what we want.

the [ girls ] are allowed.

i had a panic attack, now we're going out.

god, i love the [ girl ] house!

you can brush your teeth while i'm singing in the shower.

i'll follow you wherever.

you make it all right.

home is where i love you.

they could stick us in a movie.

i'd even go to hell if it meant with you.

how'd we get so lucky?

home is where you love me.

we're all just a little bit in love with [ Amelia ].

i'll meet you on the corner.

i'm down in california.

they say talk is cheap.

JANUARY

it's all so comforting, the part of me that dies without you here.

tell me how i'm supposed to stay away for another year.

i don't wanna kill the parts of me that loved you right.

i can't look them in the eye.

i swear i will hate you for this forever.

i never got to tell you that i loved you.

i was blinded by your tunnel light.

this is my town.

honey, it's your wasteland.

i don't think we'll ever talk again.

we couldn't get that right.

i didn't notice the moment you let go of this.

i was all alone in it for longer than i knew.

i knew.

you made the right choice.

i'm second guessing if i ever really knew your true intentions.

you couldn't hold back.

i couldn't learn my lesson.

i kinda hate the silence.

i know what to do with it.

now it's over.

i feel 10 years older, somehow none the wiser.

i do this every time.

i couldn't get that right.

your skeletons, they don't scare me.

i go back to january—in my mind, you wait there for me.

i feel pathetic, insisting this shit's poetic.

i feel you rolling those damn eyes.

i curse 'em all the time.

no, i don't miss you anymore.

i don't want you back in my life, i couldn't live like that.

i'd say i'm happy.

there's still something so daunting.

i never felt the weight of it all.

you came along and took it off me.

i hope you're happy.

i can't look at any pictures, i'm afraid i'll see you with [ her ].

i heard you got that right.

i can't go back, i can't move forward.

i cried all night.

what's that like, being loved by you?

i still talk to you when i'm sleeping.

i call you name just to feel something.

i never learned to let a good thing go.

no, you won't be seeing my name on a phone screen.

you're hoping it's me who caves—well, it won't be!

i needed the time and the space.

i can't recall why it was needed in the first place.

i ain't a killer.

oh baby, i might be.

you're somehow the one i can't leave behind me.

in my mind, you regret me.

do you regret me?

[mekkanicalsol]

I agree with the last anon! Love any and all Dione content, she's adorable!! Really curious about that lore you mentioned, too

glad to hear!! there already has been some tidbits of it posted here such as this and that— and also kind of want to elaborate on my personal interpretations and additional ideas of ‘moons’

the lore i mentioned i want to end up visualizing stuff from much earlier in the past, to the events of MMV, and then after, and I have some key things that i already have jotted down so i’ll just drop in what i have so far. (not the best grammar since they’re notes i put down)

Moons/STN

In line with the titles, these are artificial beings in the same species category as Stardroids, entities also created by the supercomputer Ra Moon. They are specified and sorted to a corresponding commander equivalent to the planets of the solar systems and their moons– they are of a lower rank than the typical Stardroid. However, they are not Kuiperdroids either, as they are distinct in their builds and not often produced in mass. Their abilities also correspond to the schematics of their commanders, boosting their specialties to make for more effective combat. Moons don’t have the same authoritative power as their commanders, so they work with Kuiperdroids also.

Moons while not as often as a Kuiper, remain more expendable than a Stardroid, and they don’t get replaced as often, mostly because they end up lasting a bit longer. Some might just end up as materials to be connected to another.

In the Case of Dione

TW: Implied Suicide Ideation

Dione is one of many Saturn’s moons made also by RM after taking the reins over their initial creators, though a huge error and anomaly with her concerns her general structure and lack of a special ability, etc. It was unknown on how RM, a self-proclaimed perfect being ended up messing up for just specifically this creation — labeling her as a defect.

Since this was in the more earlier stages of developing their units they couldn’t be bothered to dispose of her right away nor command another to destroy her. The only thing that managed to keep her around was her skill of support/repairs. She could act as walking extra energy source to help replenish an ally, added with the fact that she made efficient repairs and maintenance.

Other than that, she had nothing to defend herself with. It was anticipated by RM (and maybe other stardroids) that she’d eventually crumble on her own at some point and there’d be no significant change after. Not only did all of this start a subtle downfall of her self worth it also grew a rather strong desire to be useful and a fear of severe disapproval from their superiors. She is especially dedicated and grateful to Saturn, however, for seeing her uses.

Anytime there was damage done to her, a crack, etc, she’d repair herself. In the process, over time, she drastically modified herself to fit her purposes (and maybe personal preferences) but somehow, never could be able to ‘fix’ her obvious errors.

As time passed on with countless battles of conquest, it also came as an expense for the other moons of Saturn and plenty of other units. Years of seeing her own perish before her very eyes or brought back as scrap, Dione’s mental state only worsened from the fact that her, a weak link barely holding on to life, was outliving so many others who were optimally able to do what she couldn’t— and that even included a sibling that she was close to.

Not wanting to be weakened or deemed an obstacle for her strange tendency to sympathize, Dione shut off most of her emotions. The desire to be useful and help her subordinates and superiors remained (especially for Saturn, who also suffered greatly from the many losses of his moons and grew desensitized), but she grew no longer concerned of an inevitable demise whether done by her own kind or through many battles to come.

She waited and even actively anticipated for her end to come sooner— but somehow, it never happened. And all she could do from then on was continuing what she did best, repairing, providing.

[o-wyrmlight]

Little tidbit of the upcoming chapter for my fic, A Toast to the Pigs--a Martinaise retelling exploring the idea of: "What if Harry Du Bois didn't develop amnesia and still had to solve the Martinaise case?" Tw: Mentions of suicidal tendencies; Heavily implied alcohol use

He let out a sigh he didn’t realize he was holding, pressing his back against the apartment door. What was he doing—micromanaging his superior’s bathroom habits? Maybe he had to take a shit. Maybe he had to take a shit and he had gastrointestinal issues on top of the rampant alcoholism. Fuck kind of business was it Kim’s, anyway? The kind of business of a man who was well-aware of another man’s suicidal habits being left alone in a fucking room. And the suicidal man was his responsibility.

His responsibility. Remember the room. Remember the fucking room. He couldn’t even count all the hidden bottles, there were so many.

The door creaked open on its rusty, squeaky hinges, and Harry Du Bois slipped outside, leg by long, flare-cut leg, stretching out his arms and his body like a languid cat stretching in the sun. He was remarkably relaxed.

Harry gave a thumbs up, sleeve wet a quarter way to his elbow. He flashed his teeth in a horrible attempt at a smile, stained a subtle red over the subtle yellow. He sauntered to the yellow chair next to Kim, practically collapsing into it, letting the bag drop onto the floor beside his feet with a low groan.

Sweetness clung to him like a second skin, and it smelt like Commodore Red.

[zen-the-dumb]

Aizawa hurt/comfort oneshot

“Where do you want us to go from here?”

Gn!reader

Playlist I made to go with it: 1-14: suffering alone 15-29: explaining the why’s 30-44: comfort and help with recovery

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(TW!: for self-harm, self destructive tendencies, and implied suicidal thoughts. If any of these topics make you uncomfortable or trigger you, please DNI. Instructions on how to find resources will be in the comments. You are not alone and are worthy of help.)

______________________________________________________________

(Reader is a pro hero for this oneshot)

You had been struggling with your mental health for so long. You had never reached out for the fear that you would seem insane, or selfish.

You felt like other people deserved help, but you didn’t. That you weren’t ‘sick enough’ to be taken seriously. You progressively got worse as your depression sunk to deeper and deeper levels.

Eventually, you resorted to harming yourself to ease your mental pain, with physical pain. No one around you knew. Your hero costume had long sleeves, and long pants. You didn’t want anyone to find out. You didn’t want to be stopped. You wanted to get sicker. You wanted to keep cutting deeper and deeper until one day you’d cut too deep. That’s what you wanted.

Of course you would never say those thoughts out loud. After all, what would anyone think of a self destructive hero? How would anyone be able to trust a hero who couldn’t even control their own thoughts of destroying themselves from the inside out to control a situation where others were in danger?

You were dreading having to go out on patrol today. You wished you could just go to sleep and not have to wake up again. Your only relief was that you were not going to be on patrol alone. Shota was coming with you.

As you got into your hero costume, you realized it was a bit loose. You had been neglecting your health and were loosing weight due to not eating. You shrugged and put it the rest of the way on.

You made your way out of your apartment building and began walking towards where Aizawa had told you to meet him.

Once you turned the corner, you saw Aizawa leaning against a light post. He looked over at you as you walked over.

“You ready?” He asked nonchalantly, looking you up and down for a moment. You nodded.

You two began the patrol around the city, carefully watching for any criminals or villains.

The first half of the nearly five hour patrol went off without a hitch. There were only a few instances of pickpocketing and a mugging that the two of you had to take care off.

Near the 3 hour mark of your patrol, Shota noticed something. He caught a glimpse of a cut/bite bruise on your wrist before you had noticed and tugged your sleeve down again. He was a bit caught off guard at first.

He wanted to ask you about it immediately, but decided to wait if he could get another glimpse to confirm.

Shota continued looking to your wrists whenever you were distracted and eventually, he got the confirmatory glance he needed. About 15 minutes from the end of the patrol, your sleeve slipped down again. He caught a look at two cuts on the inner side of your wrist. Unmistakable for anything besides cuts from a razor blade.

He kept his composure, not wanting to confront you while you were both on shift.

Aizawa waited the 15 minutes, his nerves about what he had seen festering inside of him like an infected wound.

Once the alarm on his watch went off for end of shift, he almost immediately asked you about it.

“Y/N. I need to ask you something.” he began, crossing his arms in front of him.

“Yeah?” you questioned, signaling for him to ask whatever he needed to ask. You tilted your head to the side a bit as he began.

“Are you okay?” Aizawa asked this first question blunt and stern.

“What?” you queried.

“Just answer the question.” Shota directed.

“Yes, i am” you answered. You knew it was a lie, you really did, but somewhere deep down you wished it was true.

“Really? Because the marks on your wrist told me a different story.”

Your eyes widened just a bit as you desperately tried to keep your composure. You were scared. He had seen them. He knew. The one thing you didn’t want was for anyone to know!

You were panicking, but you managed to object. “What marks? What are you talking about?”

“You don’t have to lie to me. All I want to know is why. Why did you harm yourself?” he was clearly trying to sound comforting. You stayed silent. You wouldn’t be able to lie your way out of this one, would you? You looked down at your feet, avoiding eye contact, not wanting to look at someone for the fear you’d see an emotion that you didn’t want to see.

“Can you please explain? I need to know so that I can try to help you.”

This shocked you when you heard it. He didn’t want to scold you? Why wasn’t he yelling and calling you a selfish human being?

He wanted to help you? This was incredibly hard for you to fathom why he would ever want to help someone as miserable and selfish as you? The truth was, you were neither of those things, in Aizawa’s eyes and not. To him, you were a perfect and amazing person that he enjoyed spending time with. That’s why he wanted to know why you had purposefully harmed yourself. Because he couldn’t fathom why someone as beautiful/handsome and amazing as you would ever want to hurt themself.

However, you didn’t see what he saw, that was clear. You didn’t see yourself as beautiful or handsome, as amazing, as someone that anyone would like being around. You didn’t see why anyone would ever find it pleasurable and comforting to be around you.

“I’m… sorry.” Was all you could stammer out as your eyes became teary.

Aizawa was confused as you said this.

“Why are you apologizing?” he asked you, looking at you with a stern expression.

“Because I did something so selfish… I hurt myself when I have no reason to do anything so stupid.” your voice cracked as you said this.

“Selfish? That’s really what you think, isn’t it? I assumed as much, otherwise you probably would have reached out for help by now.”

You finally looked up at Aizawa. You were desperately confused as a few tears escaped from your eyes. Was he mocking you or was he serious.

“Tell me why. People don’t just do stuff like this unprompted, at least not most of the time.” he commanded sternly. You finally explained the entire thing. Each and every reason. Every. Single. One.

Aizawa stayed quiet and patiently listened to you vent out everything. Once you finished, he was deep in thought. He looked into your eyes.

“Where do you want us to go from here?” Shouta asked you, looking at you with a questioning glance. “Do you want help getting in contact with a psychiatrist? A therapist? Or do would you rather I help you instead?”

“I- i’d prefer not having to go to a hospital or anything like that. I really don’t want to have to be in the spotlight or have people not trust me as a hero anymore because of something like that…” you explained. You looked back at your shoes, shame filling your face once more.

“Alright, then we can go about this with the latter option.”

You nodded slightly in agreement. “Thank you..” you said quietly, tears starting to spill down your cheeks.

He held out his arms, waiting to see if would except his offer for a hug. You stepped into his embrace and he wrapped his arms around you and put his head on top of yours. He rubbed the side of your arm as you continued to cry. He didn’t shush your cries, you just held you, letting you cry out your emotions.

______________________________________________________________

I really enjoyed writing this one. I’m going to start making playlists for some of my headcannons and oneshots because its fun and gives me something to listen to while I'm writing. Also gives you guys playlists to listen to while reading my bullshit if you want.

*_Requests are open, check my blog description for more details._*

**1,342 words**

Edit: To everyone who liked, you are loved and appreciated, i’m sorry if you’re going through something. If you need, please seek help if you can <3

—Zen

[ctheathy]

Yandere The Angel headcanons

Yandere The Angel x Reader

Yandere Headcanons [SFW]

It may come off as slightly out of character to those who have dove deeper into his persona, but I wish to tell you; that was exactly what I was going for. I could easily just write him down as some barbarian who does nothing more than take the lives of those around you, but where’s the fun in that? That might as well be his neutral form without any of the romance included. I enjoy writing for unique aspects in yandere aus, and this just so happens to be my own.

Potential ⚠️TWs⚠️ :

General toxicity • Yanderes • Depression • Descriptions of Insanity • Su!c!de mention • Slight death+murder detail • Sadistic behaviour [Only from the Angel ,, Not directed torwards darling] • Possessiveness • Superiority complex • Narcissism • Fascination with death • Guilt tripping • Worship

At first glance, the Angel seems like a very ... Complex character. He’s sadistic, cruel, barbaric and very much disrespectful to those who have passed on to the next life; showing no sorrow in their deaths and feeling the need to mock those who are on the verge of it. Much of the characteristics that would be considered a whole lot more reasonable for quite the opposite than the angelic form they take on. All of that and proportionally for little to no reason behind it either. He simply enjoys the things that he does for the thrill of it, having zero remorse in the matter whatsoever ... But there’s an aspect I haven’t seen anybody remorselessly think nor talk about just yet. One that not only has the capability of breaking some of those inhumane personality traits down, but in causing his yandere tendencies to show up. It’s time we take a look far into the future, one much further than any given screentime could ever be.

Over the years he starts to grow bored of his targets. As there's heavily implied that the Angel is very much self aware and has the capability of interacting with future victims of either suicidal reasonings, near death experiences, due to them being on the verge of the afterlife to begin with or himself simply shooting the brains out of them out of satisfaction; any potential survivors after having met the Angel would have likely lost their lives by him not all too long after or have fallen into complete insanity by the relentless and nonstopping disturbing presence alone.

Most assumptions on meeting this considered holy being would likely either move torwards fearing it for their lives, the realisation setting in that it holds the power to literally end anyone’s life they desire to take; or instead going as far to worship the divine appearance, viewing it as a sign of hope and good luck, doing anything it requests in order to keep this mere delusion of themselves living and holding no limits in order to do so, to the point where in the end the only considered thing blessing for them would be the mental institution taking them in. And although these occurrences used to be delightful for him, The Angel has rarely ever experienced anything else. All it takes is one little difference in behaviour what would be more than enough to set him off. Foreignness filling his veins and a feeling of curiosity and desire starting to bloom inside of him.

I cannot help but enjoy the thought of the Angel craving nothing but normality for once in a while. Messing with people on the boundary of life and death is fun. Heck, even toying with the mortal’s emotions shall remain enjoyable and very much so entertaining for the Angel, but it’s important to remember that it’s all he’s ever used to. The Angel holding younger//childish characteristics and curious desires makes it only obvious their ways shall become atleast somewhat boring to them over time. He gets tired of everything being in constant repeat. He wants--no he needs something else to keep his own cravings intact eventually.

Am I implying that the Angel has been a ticking time bomb all along?

Yes, that’s exactly what I’m going after.

When treating him as some equal, neutral entity; almost like he didn’t just take somebody’s life right in front of you, he’s close to feeling offended in a way. He understands he speaks and looks like any other human being would minus the common angelic features, but surely you should have gotten the hint by now that he’s on a much higher level than any of you mortals could ever be. But instead you ... Don’t. Or either just do not care about the Angel’s position as the assistant of literal Death himself in the slightest, which both wouldn’t be all too far out of reach for your case, but this instead makes him feel absolutely outraged and severely taken aback; rather close to just making the presumption that your sanity levels had already been long gone to begin with. No other human has ever treated him the same way you have, so what was the deal with you here? You’re definitely on the border of weird in his opinion, but also intrusively compelling, which is exactly where this unwanted obsession of his would make a start.

No matter how the two of you would have met, the Angel wouldn’t want you dead like he might have had in plan beforehand. Due to how dull his life had been, it’s only obvious he would have easily noticed how much more alive he’s gotten after your sudden arrival in his life, it’s likely been hundreds of years since he’s felt this way--no- Even generally speaking, he felt better than he’s ever had. If anything, all those damned years can go to waste for all he cares. You’ve become his main and likely only source of happiness at this point, and although he would never show nor admit to this in any case, he’s been just as miserable as those occasional mortals suffering from depression in all those years.

Yet would the one struggling with similar issues be his darling, he’d be a whole lot less reasonable among his entire circle of life perspective, casting it aside in hopes of them listening to his childlike, yet genuine pleads for their beating heart. Quite literally guilt tripping you in the process, having zero problem nor shame in forcing out a few crocodile tears in order to keep you on your feet properly. He’s had a mindset that could usually only be considered as insensitive and apathetic; finding any kinds of suffering viewed as pleasant, and although he still truly is torwards any other human being out there, he could never wish the same upon his darling, no matter how natural it may feel for him.

Despite how the normal Angel would be fairly careless with his victims, just trying to get the job done with and not feeling any particular way when doing so, yandere Angel gains a habit of becoming a whole lot more ... Aggressive torwards any rivals of his that might pop up. Despite having a seemingly small image and usually just going for the gun to do the job for him, the Angel would have no problem literally ripping apart whoever with bare hands, tearing off the chunks of flesh of anybody unlucky enough to grab your attention. And may they have the convenience to survive? Well- A few or thirty stabs and knife wounds on the body would surely do the trick instead. Although he’d usually be one to show these through childish acts and mannerisms, his possessive nature has become him to be a whole lot more emotionally expressive with his true emotions among the circumstances of the situation.

For something more on the romantic side, I can see him being a severely overprotective, teasing, cunning and sarcastic, yet perhaps somewhat needy being torwards his darling. On a more immature note, he’d likely also be one to throw childish fits when not getting what he desires, even lack of attention for the day causing his mood to sour greatly. He’s an entity that’s lacked any kinds of normal connections, as some would say it, so having gained one through you would make him quite the clingy saint; always hovering around you throughout your usual routines and holding your side close at the seemingly worst moments along the day. He’s also one to wrap you around in his wings, who unsurprisingly, are fairly soft, feeling much like those of doves would, yet also fluffy in a way. He’d also use this technique when feeling particularly jealous in any of your daily moments together. Any potential threats and unwanted observation being given shall learn what it’s like to have a bullet be shot through their foreheads.

The Angel has chosen you as the muse of his life and he’ll go to severe extends to show the entire world that if he has to, feeling the need to wrap you up and keep you away from any of their horrendous behaviours and thinking that could potentially rub their ways off on you. You’re the true angel in his eyes. You’ve saved him of a lifelong fate that no other could have considerably freed him from. He finds himself being an unstable wreck before all that and it’s only then when just the wrong darling shows up

who knows how long he has the capability of following them around before he’ll snap?

[whumpshaped]

Epilogue – Jonathan

Dollhouse Masterlist

tw aftermath of horrible trauma, talk of surgery the aftermath of it, mentions of drugs, rehab, suicidal tendencies, past implied noncon, rocky recovery, past lady whump with effects in the present, self-blame, self-doubt, mention of major character death within the family, parents sent to prison, it’s a lot but it’s happy i swear

Jonathan tried to balance all the boxes of food in one hand as he reached for the door handle with the other. He narrowly missed it, the door seemingly opening on its own; Honey stood in the doorway, quickly taking half the boxes with a concerned expression.

The transformation she’d made since last year still astounded him. Some of it was physical, readily apparent upon first glance, like slowly gaining back up to a healthy weight with the help of the family’s private dietitian, growing her hair out to be able to wear it in elaborate braids, and changing her wardrobe from custom doll clothes to jeans, sweatpants and T-shirts with smiling avocados on them. But for the most part, it was things like allowing herself to slouch a little, speaking “out of turn”, making decisions on her own… like officially changing her name to Honey after her escape and stay at the hospital. 

“You really shouldn’t strain your hands like that,” she said softly, the way she said most things. 

“They don’t really hurt anymore, really.” He pushed the door closed after himself with his foot, taking care to do it slowly instead of slamming it. “Thank you.”

“Well, you don’t need to make them hurt again. Plus, you’re gonna drop them one day. It’s an accident waiting to happen.”

He sighed, placing the boxes on the kitchen table. “I’m sorry. I’ll make two trips next time.”

Honey put the rest of the boxes next to those ones. “No, it’s… I don’t know. I didn’t mean to scold you. Sorry. I just… I’ve been feeling weird lately.”

Jonathan gave her a look of genuine empathy. Their situations weren’t the same, but unfortunately, they both had some trauma relating to the coming days. “The anniversary?”

She nodded. “Sorry. I know– It’s not the same. She was your sister. I shouldn’t be wallowing so much, I just… And not even just your sister–”

He shook his head. “Don’t do that to yourself. It’s difficult for all of us. Don’t– don’t try to go through it alone.” He spread his arms a little, allowing her to step closer and nuzzle against his chest. He wrapped her up in a tight hug, letting the words sink in for a moment. “You can feel things, yeah? And you can tell me about them. And you can cry, and be angry, and be anxious. I’m here for you, okay?” 

She didn’t respond right away. He knew she was mulling it over, trying to actually take in the meaning of the words instead of giving a manufactured reaction. “I’m here for you, too,” she said eventually, and Jonathan knew she meant it. She had been there for him throughout all of this, despite her own struggles. They’d been there for each other.

“Let’s call the others, yeah?” 

Seeing the dolls improve as they did was beyond Jonathan’s wildest dreams. Sure, he knew that their family fortune would be able to pay for a lot of procedures and therapy, but he didn’t think he would have access to that fortune after Grace’s passing. The fact that his father stepped up and ensured that everyone who was willing to accept the help would be taken care of was absolutely fantastic. Jonathan had never felt so much love for him before, and especially since they’d had that talk about Grace.

As it turned out, his mother was the one forcing him to play along. With Grace’s death, he realised he couldn’t do it anymore, and did what he could to remedy the whole decade of inaction. The truth came out bit by bit, starting with the events of that fateful day, but his father made sure that all the victims were set up with the best legal teams. When it came to his own family, he was as truthful as he could be, incriminating both his wife and himself in the process. He never protested the decision of the court. 

Jonathan had inherited the company, and he immediately dismantled it from top to bottom. He started a smaller business with part of the leftover money, spending the rest on the recovery process. Not all the dolls had decided to come live with him, of course. Some of them completely cut ties with him, and he had no idea whether they’d managed to get back on their feet. But the ones that were living with him? He was so fucking proud of each and every one of them.

The doctors at the hospital had managed to fix all of Dottie’s prosthetics almost completely. She had also received a considerable upgrade; she was now able to walk on her own and learning to use her hands again. Jonathan sat with her for hours upon hours, practising sign language together to make up for her severed vocal cords, helping her bend her artificial wrists and fingers this way and that. Her face wasn’t frozen in that one acceptable expression anymore either. She frowned, and she grimaced, and she cried, and she grinned with mischief and genuine delight. She had so much personality all bottled up, that much was clear even without being able to express herself perfectly. Even though she kept the name Grace had given her, she couldn’t have been any more different than the doll Jonathan had met.

Basil, now Nix, was under medical supervision for months regarding their several and serious addictions. The withdrawal symptoms were intense and at times terrifying, and Jonathan thought multiple times that he was going to lose them. He hadn’t known them for long at that point, but he knew that no human deserved to have to go through something like that, and it was pretty clear that they were doing their absolute best to come out on the other side. And eventually, they did, coming home with five bottles of different medication to keep them stable, but alive, and announcing the name change. “It’s short for Phoenix. I mean, if those weren’t the ashes, I don’t know what the fuck I’ve risen from,” they’d said with a laugh. “Besides… I kinda feel like I’m nothing without the– the whole persona. So… Nix.”

Toxicant-induced loss of tolerance wasn’t something Jonathan had ever heard of before talking to Nix’s doctors at the clinic. It wasn’t surprising, given that Grace had been pumping them full of chemicals for several consecutive years, day in and day out, but the effects were absolutely horrifying. It was like they were allergic to everything now. Cutting out everyday stimulants like caffeine wasn’t even the issue, really, it was trying to cut out things like food colouring; especially when that stuff was put into medications. And whenever Jonathan had made a mistake regarding their diet? Nix was punished with days upon days of heart palpitations, night sweats and vomiting. Their diet had slowly taken shape over the past half a year, and they were able to enjoy family dinners with the rest of them now.

The twins refused to part with either Dottie or Nix; the four of them were inseparable. They both had to go to vocal coaches to get their voice back in working order after close to eight years of forced silence, and they also had their gastrostomy tubes removed. They had been at risk of refeeding syndrome, like most of the dolls, but after clearing that obstacle and being allowed to eat freely, their symptoms of malnutrition subsided, even reversed. They went the opposite way in clothing stores now, making sure they looked as different as possible. Muffin went by Lux now, the name they’d originally wanted to change their birth name to before they got snatched up by Grace. They’d had their hair buzzed and several tattoos made before moving onto piercings, moulding their body into something they thought was furthest from a doll. Berry went back to his given name, Devante, exclaiming that his mother had already known he’d have to fight for his own justice against others’ horrible wrongdoings. 

Despite that sentiment, his mother never got to hear about it. Dottie, Nix, Dev and Lux had all decided not to contact their parents. They had been gone for way too many years. They had read their own obituaries, saw their family’s posts on social media about their passing on every single anniversary of their “death”. They had agreed it would’ve been too much to just come back after half a decade or more.

“I don’t want my mom to see me like this,” Dottie had told him. “I can’t even go back to the name she’d given me. I feel like the ship of Theseus. I want her to remember the old me.”

If anything, Jonathan could at least relate to losing a mother who was still alive, and he did everything in his power to make it better for everyone around him. 

Honey did contact her family after a few months, when she felt like she was ready. Jonathan held her hand throughout the phone call. He listened to her father ask whether there was a lawsuit, and whether she’d gotten any money from it. He listened to her mother say that they’d sold all her things already, so she didn’t have to go home. When Honey asked if they could meet anyway, she told her she was busy, and hung up the phone. He’d spent the next weeks consoling her.

As Jonathan watched them all take their seats at the kitchen table, he wondered what could’ve become of all these people, had he called Grace in advance about his visit that day. She would’ve told him it wasn’t a good day, and they would’ve rescheduled. All these amazing people could’ve been lost. All this laughter could’ve stayed a fantasy of their captive mind.

The phone began ringing before Jonathan could’ve had a single bite, and he sighed and put down his utensils. When he saw the number, however, he decided he wasn’t even annoyed anymore.

“Hey,” he said with a smile, despite Bora not being able to see it.

After being called Coral for several years, having his hair grown out and coloured to match the name, he decided he wanted to go back to his given name, chop it all off and dye it black. He’d gone into his kidnapping and captivity with a debilitating case of depression, and the therapy and medication he’d been able to receive since his rescue was beyond helpful.

“Hey, man. I just wanted to call, because… you know. Just wanted to check on you guys.” 

In all honesty, Jonathan expected a call from him sometime that day. Not even just because he was a good person, good people didn’t need to put their trauma aside to reconnect with others reminding them of said trauma. But the fact was, Bora had a lot of survivor’s guilt. Grace had never really done anything drastic to his body, nothing that couldn’t easily be reversed. His depression had been worsened by the situation, as anyone’s would’ve been, and he’d been forced to play along with a relationship he never wanted, but he had never gotten his limbs chopped off. He was working through the mental issues in therapy, and he was trying to live by the rule of not comparing his pain to others’, but every time he called, the overwhelming guilt was painfully obvious in his voice.

“I think we’re doing fine, considering, you know, everything. We’re all a bit out of it. It’s hard to think it’s only been one year… and at the same time it’s like, wow, it’s already been a year.”

“Yeah. I’m not… super excited for the articles tomorrow.”

“Would you like to come over? I don’t know if we’d necessarily take your mind off of it, but we all kind of formed a pact that none of us would look at social media for a while.” He lowered his voice, walking a little further away from the table. “And they’d love it, too. They’re always asking me whether you’ll come visit after your calls.”

There was no response from the other side, and for a moment, Jonathan thought he’d pushed it too far. But then he heard quiet sniffling, and Bora choked out, “I’ll drop by.”

“We all love you, okay? Don’t feel like you need to hide from us.”

Another pause. “Is Val coming?” 

Well, maybe he needed to hide from one person. After their time spent together in captivity, all that forced intimacy and shared trauma, it was understandable when Valerie drew a line in the sand about seeing each other. Her doll name, Anise, was way too close to her original name, Annie, so she decided to go the complete opposite direction and choose an entirely new one. That was around the same time when she told Bora she needed to get as far away from him as possible, in a desperate effort to distance herself from her past entirely. 

It was a difficult situation for everyone. After having her face surgically frozen at Grace’s house, Val wasn’t even able to communicate anything. Bora somehow ended up taking on the role of her helper, which Grace took full advantage of, but at least he was able to apologise, or ask things, or request things not to be done to him, whenever that was even an option. Valerie had her voice taken away, her sight, her facial expressions, everything. The doctors were able to do some reconstructive surgery, but she was told that seeing and speaking were completely off the table with the way her body adjusted. Learning sign language without being able to copy by sight proved to be a massive task, and Bora, as always, attempted to be as much help as he could be. Almost the first thing Val had told him was that she couldn’t handle his skin touching hers, or the sound of his voice, and she wanted to leave immediately. Bora had respected her wishes, as was the right thing to do.

Jonathan had spent the next few months almost constantly on call with him, and when the two of them weren’t talking, Bora was phoning the hotlines. Being riddled with guilt to the point of not wanting to live anymore was a common sentiment across the board when it came to their little patchwork family, but Bora was alone, and he refused to get any help that would’ve put him in direct contact with others. It was always just the phone, and always only Jonathan. He still had nightmares about the phone ringing and him not being able to reach it in time. 

“We haven’t talked in a good while,” Jonathan admitted. “I tried to send her a text earlier today to make sure she was doing okay, and it didn’t go through.”

“Oh.”

“I’m sure she’s okay, though. She just doesn’t want to talk about being okay with us specifically.”

The rest of the call went by quickly, and when Jonathan rejoined the rest of them for lunch, he found them all dead silent and clearly trying to eavesdrop. They didn’t even try to hide it.

“Is he coming, then?” Lux asked.

“He said he was, yeah.” They all looked at each other in utter delight, smiles spreading from one face to the other so quickly it was impossible to tell who started it. 

The next day, Jonathan immediately bumped into his sister on his morning walk. “One Year Has Passed Since Killer Barbie’s Funeral”, read the headline on the stupid magazine that was displayed at the newspaper stand, showing her eerily smiling face and pink casket. He had to turn around and go right back home, desperate for one of Honey’s sweet, warm hugs. 

“I didn’t break the rules,” he sobbed as quietly as he could. “It was– it was a newspaper, I just– I glanced in the direction of the stand–”

“I know.” She pet his hair gently, tears of her own slowly joining Jonathan’s in soaking their clothes. “I know. You don’t need to explain yourself.”

Jonathan’s morning breakdown set the tone for the entire day, and they all took turns hugging and holding each other while the other cried. Board games, tremendous amounts of snacks they could now enjoy freely, and a massive pity party took up the entire day of the anniversary; no tears remained unshed, and no one was left without several friends’ worth of consolation and compassion.

And when the sun rose again the next day and Jonathan turned over in his bed to see Honey sleeping soundly, he got the distinct feeling that it was all going to be okay. If they could survive one year despite all that had happened, they could survive a thousand.

~

taglist: @whumpsday @lonesome--hunter @reblogging-whump @panic-and-chaos @kim-poce @uwu-scraptrappy @mikaelaix @whumpinggrounds @hidden-dreamland @the-scrapegoat @whumplr-reader @dismemberment-on-a-tuesday-night @whumpinthepot @devourerofcheesecake

[aftgficrec]

Can you post fics where Andrew and Neil argue but make up in the end?

Enjoy this walk through andreil feels, anon. The previous asks mentioned lead to a bunch more asks and fics. -A

also see:

andreil arguing here

new andreil breakup/make-up here

fave break up and make up here

andreil or jerejean kiss & make-up here

miscommunication leading to near-breakups here

angst w/happy ending: miscommunication or pining here

andreil enemies to lovers 2 here

Andrew makes Neil cry here

Neil snaps ‘not nothing’ here

‘quicksand’ here

‘low quay, no pressure’ here

‘transience’ here

‘transmission’ here

‘Tumblr Headcanons - Andreil’ Ch 11 & 12 here

‘Neil worried that Andrew cheated’ here

‘Home for Christmas’ here

‘Wake Up to Your Sunset’ here (completed)

‘All I Wanted’ here

‘Some Kind of Disaster’ here

‘I’m Not Dead Yet’ here

‘Can Nobody Hear Me (I cannot breathe)’ here (completed)

‘nice to see your face again’ and ‘Dawn Won't End the Night’ (updated) here

‘please come back, save me from myself,’ ‘ghostin',’ and ‘I ran out of every reason’ here

‘but i don't think i can ever learn how to love just right’ here 

‘Shared Custody’ and ‘Shared Custody (The Blame the Cat Remix)’ here

if you really love nothing by seasy33 [Rated M, 39713 Words, Complete, 2022]

Andrew finds an interesting piece of paper. He's not quite sure how he feels about it.

tw: graphic depictions of violence, tw: rape/noncon, tw: flashbacks, tw: alcohol 

Undefined Roommates Code by Helpisneeded [Rated E, 56760 Words, Incomplete, Updated Oct 2022]

Punching your roommate is not a very smart idea. Starting a friends with benefits relationship with said roommate is an even worse one. Setting up a string of rules to keep it purely physical and make sure you don’t catch feeling but catching them anyways is certainly the stupidest thing you could do in that situation. Luckily for Neil, he never claimed to be smart.

tw: explicit sexual content, tw: implied/referenced child abuse, tw: implied/referenced suicidal tendencies

Regrowth by Mystrana [Rated E, 4836 Words, Complete, 2021]

It goes like this: Neil's giving therapy a chance. He's dealing with every emotion he's ever pushed down trying to leak back up. When he gets hurt during a game, Andrew gets upset and they get into an argument. And then Andrew apologizes. A fic in which Andrew and Neil work on healing together and cry and have the softest sex in the world.

tw: explicit sexual content

An intimate moment with someone you hate by krasmataz [Rated E, 7414 Words, Complete, 2023]

Neil and Andrew have their first fight after trying something new in the bedroom. Hope they figure it out before they destroy too much school property!

tw: implied/referenced self-harm, tw: blood, tw: implied/referenced suicidal tendencies

over/under by likearecord [Rated E, 9506 Words, Complete, 2023]

He’d thought Neil, with his smart mouth and his wild eyes, would be satisfied with what Andrew was offering. He guesses he’d thought Neil was used to living on scraps—and Andrew has never had anything meatier to give. He’d been wrong.

tw: explicit sexual content

Only Fools Fall. by Random2002 [Rated T, 19789 Words, Incomplete, Updated Feb 2023]

Neil tests how faithful his clients partners are. Roland is a client; he's worried about his boyfriend. It isn't long until Neil notices some serious rifts in the relationship he is meant to test.

tw: child abuse

Cold Cookies by Preludeno3 [Rated M, 11583 Words, Incomplete, Updated Jan 2023, Locked]

It starts off as an abstract, incomplete thought. Andrew’s on his knees on the rug in his Columbia bedroom, going to town on Neil’s dick. Or Andrew wants to try face fucking, trauma is a bitch and Neil is almost too understanding

tw: explicit sexual content, tw: implied/referenced rape/noncon

First fight by Olympyas [Not Rated, 3265 Words, Complete, 2023]

"There is no this, you are nothing and nothing doesn't exist." It hurt. A lot. Especially when you spent the whole day feeling like nothing. So he wanted to hurt Andrew in return. He wanted to get, even the slightest, reaction from him. "Well, at least you can't hurt 'nothing' like you destroy everything around you." —hurt him— "You'll still run away like the rabbit you are. Tell me, Nathaniel, why are you staying?" Neil hated this name in Adrew's mouth "For nothing. I shouldn't have stayed in the first place." And he left.

tw: panic attacks, tw: violence, tw: assault, tw: attempted rape/noncon

A Substitute For Please by cadkitten [Rated E, 1911 Words, Complete, 2018]

Please is a word built to make things easy and life has never been easy for either of them. Please is meant to smooth things over, but they're all rough edges. Please is a final ditch effort when hope is lost and, Neil, he knows there's still hope here.

tw: ptsd, tw: depression, tw: implied/referenced rape/noncon, tw: alcohol

NB: find more about Nicky’s state of mind here

To Be Close With You Is To Be Close With Myself by jostenskeys [Rated E, 20359 Words, Complete, 2022]

Andrew has always been a protector at heart despite how often he bullies Neil for his martyr complex. The summer before Neil's second year, however, he begins to feel the impacts of his life finally crash down on him just as they were finally safe from harm. Andrew fights with himself and doesn't know how he can help. But he soon realises, in order for him to help Neil, he needs to help himself too. Or The Convincing-Neil-To-Get-Therapy Chronicles. Written by Andrew Minyard and edited by Betsy Dobson.

tw: graphic depictions of violence, tw: rape/noncon, tw: self harm, tw: urge to self harm, tw: blood, tw: suicidal ideation, tw: nightmares, tw: panic attacks, tw: depression

Stay series by jaydreamz [Rated M/T, Collection with 2 complete works, Updated Nov 2021]

Part 1: Was Sorta Hopin' That You'd Stay [M, 25740 Words] Neil and Andrew have HATED each other since an incident in college. They really, really do. The Minyard-Josten rivalry is not a sham. But now Andrew's transferring to Neil's team and all hell is about to break loose.

tw: alcohol, tw: implied/referenced self harm, tw: explicit sexual content

Part 2: Before I Hated You [T, 5974 Words] Before the Minyard-Josten rivalry was on, there was something else entirely. *** Andrew and Neil's first meeting in college that ended up starting the feud between them.

Bittersweet by Mercey [Rated M, 8370 Words, Complete, AFTG Mixtape Exchange 2021]

‘Why would Neil want to be with someone who can’t even care for him the right way? Why would he want that life for himself? He’s not a runaway anymore, he’s not so desperate for affection that he’ll settle for my meagre offerings, and good for him. It’s better that way.’ Andrew's spiralling with graduation coming up, and beginning to question the very foundations upon which he and Neil are built.

tw: depression

Hold Each Other by exactly13percent_OLD (hymbeaux) [Collection Rated T/E, Complete, 2018]

Chapter 12: Stranger [T, 2854 Words] Sometimes, love comes easily. That's the problem.

I took a breath and took the knife by eeveepkmnfan [Rated M, 2271 Words, Complete, 2022]

Andrew and Neil argue. Or, Neil is still struggling through the aftereffects of being drugged. Andrew is forced to confront the consequences of that decision.

tw: transphobia, tw: implied/referenced sexual assault, tw: implied/referenced self harm, tw: implied/referenced involuntary drug use, tw: ptsd

Spring Cleaning with a Man on the Lam by SugarLime [Rated G, 2240 Words, Complete, 2019]

Neil glared at the wrapper Andrew had tossed on the floor next to his chair. He stalked over with a nasty frown and leveled a glare at Andrew. Andrew met his glare with an empty expression. “What?” He asked, following Neil’s gaze as it tuned to the discarded wrapper, “it’s a wrapper,” he said wisely. His gut did a small flip as he tried to figure out why his boyfriend was mad.

I Won't Be Home For The Rest Of The Night by CasTheButler [Not Rated, 1039 Words, Complete, 2017]

Neil and Andrew have a fight, Neil learns to let someone new in.

Stars and Moons by sonyathefairy [Rated G, 1111 Words, Complete, 2017]

Neil ponders about the stars and his fight with Andrew. Or in which they both realise that they can't live without the other anymore.

Where We Belong by conniptionns [Rated T, 1374 Words, Complete, 2017]

prompt: andrew and neil get into this huge fight while andrew is driving so he tells neil to get out the car and walk the rest of the way.

Still here by theresnothis [Rated T, 2779​​ Words, Complete, AFTG Summer Exchange 2022]

After a fight with Andrew, Neil ran off into the night (but he would go back). Andrew found him and of course with Neil’s luck a robbery would occur.

flashes of intimacy by mostly_maudlin [Rated T, Collection, Complete, 2023]

Chapter 3: conflict resolution [385 Words] Chapter 4: space [507 Words]

tw: mild self harm

Chapter 16: picking fights [554 Words]

tw: mild self harm

“I don’t want your pity, I want your absence.” by markonasurface (idwir) [Not Rated, 1627 Words, Complete, 2018]

After the freshmen find out about Neil and Andrew, a terrible practice leads to Neil saying things he shouldn’t.

tw: involuntary outing, tw: homophobia, tw: scars, tw: anxiety attack, tw: implied/referenced rape/noncon, tw: implied/referenced csa, tw: victim shaming, tw: self harm

“So much for not getting involved.” by markonasurface (idwir) [Not Rated, 769 Words, Complete, 2020]

“I don’t want your pity, I want your absence.” pt 2

tw: implied/referenced rape/noncon, tw: implied/referenced csa

“don’t call me that”-andreil prompt fill by @markonasurface [Tumblr, 2017]

Neil heard the door to the roof open and knew it was Andrew. Annoyance flooded his chest and he had the overwhelming urge to hit him. Instead he lit another cigarette and let Andrew pluck it from his fingers even though he hadn’t offered it to him.

[jungkookslipring]

I Will Never Make You Lonely: Ch 5

Summary: When your life is falling apart, your 8 best friends are there to lift you up

TW: mentions of de&th, su!c!de, su!c!de tendencies, su!c!dal ideologies, depress!on, anxiety, crying. If this is in any way triggering I’d steer towards more of my happier works. 

If you or someone you love has thought of or acted on suicide, there is help and there is hope 

Call or text 988

Genre: angst, hurt/comfort, non-idol AU

PSA: this is no way represents the artists. While their birth names are used in this story, this is in no way a reflection of the artist or artists in real life.

AU: mentions of de&th are implied in this chapter, read at your own risk. Swearing. mentions of eating and lack thereof. Reader doesn’t have the biggest appetite but I still wanted to put it as a warning. 

Ch 5 When you woke up the next morning, you found yourself surrounded by sunlight and the sound of birds chirping. You also found Jeongin's head on your shoulder, his messy bedhead evident as he quietly snored. You smiled as he snuggled deeper into your hold, and you let out a small sigh. Glancing at your phone, you noticed that it was already 9:00 am. Suddenly, there was a small knock on the door, followed by Hyunjin's announcement that breakfast was ready. The noise woke Jeongin up, and he lifted his head with his eyes squinted and confused, much like a baby waking up from a nap. Hyunjin smiled and ruffled his hair.

“There’s coffee too, Innie”, you both laughed as he quickly untangled himself from the blankets and sped off into the kitchen. You lay there for a second before Hyunjin spoke up. 

“What’s on your mind?” Hyunjin asks quietly. You shook your head, looking out the window.

“I just feel so guilty,” you whispered. “I know I can’t control it…I just…I don’t know…*sigh* I just don’t know why she had to go, you know?” you stated as you did your best to keep your voice level, throat still sore from last night. Hyunjin nods understandingly. 

“Carter *shaky exhale* Carter had a difficult childhood. After Peyton turned 18, neither of their parents were around. Carter only had her sister and me, so I felt responsible to make sure she had the best life possible and was always happy.,” you say trying to control your trembling lips. Hyunjin nodded and listened intently. 

“Has she always felt this way?” Hyunjin asked hesitantly, not wanting to ask the wrong question. You nodded. 

“Yeah, but she’s never tried you know, at least I don’t think…” you say rubbing your head. “But this time...I guess it was just too much…” you choked out. Hyunjin was at a loss for words. 

“I was too late…I couldn’t save her Hyunjin…and the signs were there! What if…what if I can’t save anyone else?” You ask as Hyunjin shushes you gently, pulling you into his chest. He was not going to let you take the blame for this. He let you have a few minutes before he started speaking.

“Our y/n…you have such a big heart. You’re kind and welcoming to everyone you meet. You’re sensitive when one of us needs a hug, or a shoulder to cry on. We love that you take care of all of us here, but that’s not your job sweetheart. You’re not in charge of everyone else’s happiness. Bearing the weight of someone else’s well-being isn’t your job as a human on earth. It’s not your fault, it’s never your fault, baby,” he said scratching your back. 

“I know she was grateful to have you,” Hyunjin said, kissing your head. You let out a sigh while your arms tighten around Hyunjin’s torso.

“Please…please if you or the boys ever feel anything please please please come talk to me, I can’t go through this again,” you plead desperation coating your words. Hyunjin squeezed you tighter; he knew, they all knew they could come talk to you, but you needed to be reassured.

“Of course, we’d come and talk to you…you’re stuck with us for lifers,” he said cheekily as he pinched your side, effectively getting you to giggle until he gently cupped your face, wiping away the last bit of your tears.

“But remember that your health and well-being come before any of ours,” he whispered looking down at you as you shrugged.

“It’s easier said than done…”. He nods while tucking strands behind your ear.

“I know Y/n, but it’s the truth. I know some of the other guys struggle with that. We want to take care of the ones we love, it comes naturally, so I understand,” he said. 

“Thanks, Hyunjin.” He smiles and gets off the bed, reaching for your hand to pull you up not too long after. As you walked into the kitchen, the sweet aroma of blueberry pancakes and coffee filled the room, making you feel warm and fuzzy inside. But as you looked at some of the boys, you noticed that they had puffy eyes from last night's events. Although they reassured you that everything was okay, it still hurt. Fortunately, it was the weekend, and it seemed like none of them were planning to leave the house. They were all gathered around the TV, some sitting on the floor, others on the couch. When they saw you, they didn't question your puffy eyes, but gave you sympathetic looks. You smiled back at them, trying to lighten the mood. Hyunjin was by your side, with his arm still around you. You both found a spot on the couch and sank into the cushions. Han, who was sitting on the floor next to Minho, turned around and took your hand.

“How are you doing y/n?” he asked quietly. You smiled and rubbed his hand with your thumb. 

“I’ve been better but I’ll be okay,” you said sincerely.

“Y/n?” Jeongin asked in a quiet voice. You made eye contact and hummed in response.

“How did you find out? About Carter?” he asked quietly, also not wanting to ask the wrong thing. You realized everyone knew what determined her passing when he was in his room. 

“Yeah she uh, Peyton found her letter Jeongin-ie,” you said as his eyes softened even more if that was humanly possible. You let out another exhale, and Minho’s hand found its way above your knee, rubbing your skin in comforting motions, silently letting you know that it was okay, to take your time and that they were here for you. Hyunjin squeezed you tighter, kissing the side of your temple while you tried to get rid of the lump in your throat, but the boys didn’t mind, they wanted you to do this on your terms. 

“I’ve always been on edge about her doing something like that…and I wanted to believe it was just an accident, but deep down I guess…I figured it was…I don’t know intentional, but when Peyton confirmed it, it was impossible to deny it, even though I tried,” you explain as your eyes stung with unshed moisture that gathered at the waterline. Now that you were no longer blocking out the reality of it all, you were hurting so much more now. Chris got up from his spot on the floor and moved to the back of the couch, to hug you from behind, seeing that Jeongin got up from his seat and wrapped his arms around your middle. Your hands clutched onto his forearms as they all scooted closer, making one big group hug. They held you for a while until Chris rubbed your arm and asked if you were hungry. Truthfully, you weren’t, but you hadn’t been eating as much as you’d hoped the last month and a half, so you were at least going to try. You sat at the table when one of the guys fixed you up a plate. You were so determined to eat something, but with depression comes nausea, and your vision blurred as you stared at your eggs.

“Dammit,” you grit between your teeth, your hand furiously rubbing at your eyes. Your chair slowly spun around, and you were now facing Changbin.

“Hey y/n it’s okay, it’s okay if you’re not up for eating right now, please don’t beat yourself up over that…” he said pulling you into his arms.

“I’m sorry,” you whispered, feeling so frustrated with yourself. That phone call did it for you and you felt like you couldn’t close the floodgates. You weren’t bawling but crocodile tears were plopping on his shoulder.

“There’s nothing to apologize for, I promise, you did nothing wrong,” he whispered, holding you tighter. “How can we help you bug, what can we do for you?” Changbin asked.

“I don’t know,” you sigh, not knowing what you wanted.

“Would you like to get back in bed?” He asked. He was so patient with you. You nodded weakly.

“Yes please…” you say barely above a whisper. Changbin nodded and helped you down from your chair, supporting your back as you two walked out of the kitchen. After you both reached the room, Changbin closed the door quietly and shut the blinds to make the room pitch dark. He lifted the covers so you could crawl under them and immediately curl up into a ball. Changbin was heartbroken seeing you go through this. He tucked you in bed, ensuring that no part of your body was exposed except for your face. He gently moved some of your hair that was stuck to your face out of the way to make you more comfortable. 

“Changbin?” You ask, struggling to make eye contact. He doesn’t stop his movements as he looks at you, watching your eyes slowly make their way up to his.

“I-I don’t think I’m okay…” Changbin nodded sadly.

“We know y/n… but we want you to know that you don't have to be strong all the time,” he reassured you by wiping at your cheeks. 

“I hate feeling like this though…” you say as you try to keep your new onset of tears at bay. 

“But numbing yourself will only make you feel worse, love,” he argued as gently as possible, and you knew he was right. 

“What is it you’re feeling? I won't push you if you don't want to talk about it, but I can assure you it helps sometimes,” Changbin said kindly. He truly didn't want to push you if you didn't want to say anything, he knew you were hurting enough as it was.

“It’s just once I start I can’t stop;  last night and this morning were concrete evidence of that,” you stated, sounding drained. Changbin nodded, they’ve all had their fair share of masking their emotions, and they’re sure everyone got the same talk from each other at least once. They knew you felt and loved very deeply, so they understood why you wanted to protect yourself from hurting.

“I’m just so sad. I can't even fathom the pain she felt all these years and how it built up until it became too much *sniff* and my heart just really hurts right now. I’m so lost Bin, I’m so lost without her,” you stuttered thickly before hiding your face in your hands, Changbin scooting closer to you, still kneeled on the floor, pulling your head into his chest as he laid his head on top of yours. He cradled your head as if he were protecting you from the world.

“I understand, we all do, y/n, and I’m so so sorry this happened,” he whispered, trying to find the right words in this situation. He said what he felt in his heart. “I know it hurts, but thats why you have us. We are here for you to share your pain, so that it feels more bearable. Please know that we are willing to do anything to help you, even if it means taking your pain away completely. I think I speak on behalf of all of us when I say we wish we could be in your shoes,” he said, eyes softening when fear spread through your body. You pulled away and shook your head rapidly while grabbing a hold of Changbin’s wrist. No, not them. You wouldn’t want any of them going through the nightmare you were in. The idea of them feeling what you were feeling tore you apart. Jeongin bawled into your arms last night stating how scared he was to go through that, you wouldn’t wish this sort of heartbreak on your worst enemy, let alone your best friends. 

“Binnie no…I’m beyond grateful it’s me and not you guys going through this,” you say as crocodile tears start slipping down your face once more. Changbin swallowed the lump in his throat as he caressed your hair. 

“Shh shh shh, but if we were, you would do anything in your power to make sure we weren’t bearing the weight of the world alone, let us do that for you y/n, let us help you,” he practically begged. He was starting to sound a lot like Chris. You couldn't argue with him, not Changbin. All you could do was cry.

“Would you like to be alone?” Changbin asked. You shook your head, cause while you weren’t one to ask for help, there was no point in masking your feelings anymore.

“Can…can you stay, just a little longer, please?” you ask. He gave you one of the kindest smiles you have ever seen, getting under the blankets and pulling you into his arms, your head lying against his chest. He allowed you to cry out your remaining tears on his chest while petting your hair and murmuring words of comfort. He encouraged you to let all your emotions out and let yourself be comforted. You’re not fully positive when you fell asleep, but by the time you opened your eyes, it was already 10 p.m., and Changbin was nowhere to be seen. You assumed he went to the bathroom, and the realization hit you that you had been sleeping most likely for 13 hours straight. You dragged yourself out of bed and stumbled into the hallway in search of an unoccupied bathroom. After finishing your business, you walked into the kitchen to get some water when you noticed the TV was on in the living room. Curiosity got the better of you, and you peeked around the corner to see Seungmin lying on the couch, engrossed in a drama.

“Hi Minnie,” you whisper, doing your best not to startle him. He turned around and his eyes sparked as he sat up.

“Hi y/n, did you sleep okay?” he asked as he patted the space next to him. You plopped yourself next to him and smiled when he lifted the blanket to throw over your legs. 

“I slept so long but I still feel tired. How does that even work?” you chuckled lightly. He gave you a knowing grin, understanding that everything going on has you completely and utterly exhausted. 

“I’m sorry y/n…” Seungmin said sympathetically. As you felt your eyes getting heavy again, Seugmin laid back down on the couch, pulling you along with him. He wrapped his arms around you, and your head rested on his shoulder. You two fell asleep almost instantly. After Changbin finished his shower, he entered the living room to see who was still up. He smiled when he saw two sleeping figures cuddled up on the couch. He pulled the blanket to cover you both up and turned off the TV. You and Seungmin remained in each other's arms, and for that evening, the rest of the week, and maybe the week after, nobody slept alone.

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